If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
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I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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