yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
