i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
