For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
