I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
