I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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