at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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