Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
