I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
