I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize