i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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