i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
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legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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