i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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