So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
