one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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