Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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