So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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