Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
