I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
