someone threw a dead crab at me
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
