my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
