i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
