i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.