You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?