yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
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Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
you never un-have a 4some