remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
