his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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