Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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