wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
