so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
