Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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