Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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