My liver just broke up with me...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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