I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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