I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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