she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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