I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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