Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
