It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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