worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
