i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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