That's intense
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Randomize
