Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My vagina just recognized that song.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
