I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
