Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
