It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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