I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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