I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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