i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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