dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
