If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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