he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
