tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
