I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
