I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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