There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
