My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
