For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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