when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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